Raising Children and Love
I watched my sister-in-law raise her children. I didn't closely associate with her, doing things together, asking how she handled one issue or another so it wasn't until recently (with all hers and my children grown adults) that I came to realize she's a micro-manager.
Funny how I never picked up on that when I was a young (pup)mother. I never really thought much about mothering styles. In my mind a mother was a mother was a mother. They may have different tolerance/patience/preference/talent/skill levels and abilities, but they're all still moms. Basically. Oh how WRONG I was!
Now that I've worked in offices and have really seen different manager styles I'm coming to understand and see that there are different mothering styles as well.
I hate the micro-manager-absolutely loathe, detest, abhor. Yip-that about sums it up. And through all of the General Conferences I listened to, I never once got the impression that a mom should be a micro-manager. So I never did it. At least I never felt like I did it.
Somehow I want to tie this to what's really eating at me. So here's the next part that I'm messing with.
I feel that I poured as much love and care into each one of my children that I possibly could-and equally among them. Love and Care in my definition includes:
They sure turned out different from one another. Almost like I didn't put enough into some; or that some may have felt cheated or given less than their share. Well, the way some of them act, that's the impression I get.
I've been working at putting together the correspondence I received from one of my children once that child had moved out of the house and into the adult world. It filled four 2 1/2"-3" binders. FOUR! When that child comes to visit and spend a night or two, that child vacuums the carpet and puts the toys away that their children used. That child helps with cooking. That child is the first to say let me do that. That child is the first to say when a family get together is planned, "What can I bring?". Such a reciprocation of love is manifested. Most of the other kids do a similar thing, but there aren't the binders of correspondence.
One child asked, while watching me fill the binders, why did that child write all of that? Simple answer-that child chose to. No one coerced, suggested, or anything else. It was a simple I will write you each week while you're away from home and the child committed to write back... and did so... for the next 10 years.
Now as to genders among my children there are 4 of the kind that follow this heavenly counsel: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:24 and two of my children are of the kind that brought their spouse from the other end of that counsel-well as far as the spouses would allow them.
Do I expect my children to hover around? No-they have lives of their own. I understand that. That isn't the point I'm trying to make.
Ah yes, the point of this blog. I'm trying to formulate that. I cannot attest that micro-managing mothering is superior in any way to the style I used-oh yes, I should define that. I'd like to be remembered as having 'taught correct principles and let them govern themselves'. I've seen more than one family raised with the micro style and I still don't like it. To me it's too much like the 'let me take care of you-I won't let you make any mistakes' method.
Both methods bring grief. Some micro managed children are driven away from families and the gospel in some instances-well at least that is what this way outside the family sees and therefore the conclusion I have drawn.
As for my 'let them govern themselves' what did it bring? An oldest child violated one of the youngest ones (hope that violator doesn't see their own children violated). That has to be the greatest and heaviest grief I have felt-as though I too have been violated. Why the violator still hasn't gone to the violated and looked that person in the eye and said, "I was wrong to violate you and I am sorry," is beyond me. I thought that was how that stuff was supposed to work. You know, "And if thy brother or sister offend thee, thou shalt take him or her between him or her and thee alone; and if he or she confess thou shalt be reconciled." Doctrine and Covenants Section 42:88
Somehow through it all I have to follow the counsel: "Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you (ptkast!) it is required to forgive all men. And ye ought to say in your hearts—let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds. And him that repenteth not of his sins, and confesseth them not, ye shall bring before the church, and do with him as the scripture saith unto you, either by commandment or by revelation." Doctrine and Covenants Section 64:9 - 12
Funny how I never picked up on that when I was a young (pup)mother. I never really thought much about mothering styles. In my mind a mother was a mother was a mother. They may have different tolerance/patience/preference/talent/skill levels and abilities, but they're all still moms. Basically. Oh how WRONG I was!
Now that I've worked in offices and have really seen different manager styles I'm coming to understand and see that there are different mothering styles as well.
I hate the micro-manager-absolutely loathe, detest, abhor. Yip-that about sums it up. And through all of the General Conferences I listened to, I never once got the impression that a mom should be a micro-manager. So I never did it. At least I never felt like I did it.
Somehow I want to tie this to what's really eating at me. So here's the next part that I'm messing with.
I feel that I poured as much love and care into each one of my children that I possibly could-and equally among them. Love and Care in my definition includes:
- patience or lack thereof for certain behaviors
- one-on-one teaching
- making each feel special and unique and loved for that uniqueness
- important
- valuable
- capable
- independent
- ...and a child of God
They sure turned out different from one another. Almost like I didn't put enough into some; or that some may have felt cheated or given less than their share. Well, the way some of them act, that's the impression I get.
I've been working at putting together the correspondence I received from one of my children once that child had moved out of the house and into the adult world. It filled four 2 1/2"-3" binders. FOUR! When that child comes to visit and spend a night or two, that child vacuums the carpet and puts the toys away that their children used. That child helps with cooking. That child is the first to say let me do that. That child is the first to say when a family get together is planned, "What can I bring?". Such a reciprocation of love is manifested. Most of the other kids do a similar thing, but there aren't the binders of correspondence.
One child asked, while watching me fill the binders, why did that child write all of that? Simple answer-that child chose to. No one coerced, suggested, or anything else. It was a simple I will write you each week while you're away from home and the child committed to write back... and did so... for the next 10 years.
Now as to genders among my children there are 4 of the kind that follow this heavenly counsel: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:24 and two of my children are of the kind that brought their spouse from the other end of that counsel-well as far as the spouses would allow them.
Do I expect my children to hover around? No-they have lives of their own. I understand that. That isn't the point I'm trying to make.
Ah yes, the point of this blog. I'm trying to formulate that. I cannot attest that micro-managing mothering is superior in any way to the style I used-oh yes, I should define that. I'd like to be remembered as having 'taught correct principles and let them govern themselves'. I've seen more than one family raised with the micro style and I still don't like it. To me it's too much like the 'let me take care of you-I won't let you make any mistakes' method.
Both methods bring grief. Some micro managed children are driven away from families and the gospel in some instances-well at least that is what this way outside the family sees and therefore the conclusion I have drawn.
As for my 'let them govern themselves' what did it bring? An oldest child violated one of the youngest ones (hope that violator doesn't see their own children violated). That has to be the greatest and heaviest grief I have felt-as though I too have been violated. Why the violator still hasn't gone to the violated and looked that person in the eye and said, "I was wrong to violate you and I am sorry," is beyond me. I thought that was how that stuff was supposed to work. You know, "And if thy brother or sister offend thee, thou shalt take him or her between him or her and thee alone; and if he or she confess thou shalt be reconciled." Doctrine and Covenants Section 42:88
Somehow through it all I have to follow the counsel: "Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you (ptkast!) it is required to forgive all men. And ye ought to say in your hearts—let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds. And him that repenteth not of his sins, and confesseth them not, ye shall bring before the church, and do with him as the scripture saith unto you, either by commandment or by revelation." Doctrine and Covenants Section 64:9 - 12
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